I will go the distance

I'm so confused. Am I ever not though?

Relationships are overrated. They're too much stress, especially in high school when you have enough to worry about. I would be happy if I wasn't in one again for a long time... well, there's one exception. But even so it wouldn't work out perfectly. I know that. I could wait though. If years down the road we met again, I know my feelings won't have changed. For now I'll figure myself out though. I'm learning slowly how to express myself and not be afraid of others' reactions. I'm quite pleased with myself actually. I've come a long way. I'll continue to move forward and better myself. I know it won't be easy and I won't always know what to do but doesn't everyone take that risk?

The Plot to Bomb the Panhandle - A Day to Remember
I've learned to let go
Come on

Here's a middle finger
Coming straight from oca-l-a
I appreciate your judgement
it's proved that I can't trust a word you say
those must be some pair of binoculars
that you see every move I make
so I'll never be a liar
but you'll always be two-faced

You'll get what's coming to you
You're blinded by your instincts
I'm not your fucking game
I'm not so easily beat

I'm looking down at this mess that you've made
and I can't believe that I stayed
So unhappy for so long
Where did I go wrong?
I've got to get out of this
my hand is on the handle
We're leaving everything behind
Goodbye for a lifetime

I'll rip that scandalous bitch in two
We'll bring the noise

Try to pretend that I never even knew your name
'cause everything you are disgusts me
(Too bad I can't turn back time)
So I wouldn't be here
what I'd give for you to disappear
so tell me girly how's your edge?

You've got nothing better to do
I know why you can't see straight
I thought you were better than this
but you're just like everyone else

I'm looking down at this mess that you've made
and I can't believe that I stayed
So unhappy for so long
Where did I go wrong?
I've got to get out of this
my hand is on the handle
We're leaving everything behind
Goodbye for a lifetime

I'll make my stand
right here with my friends
I'll make my stand
right here with my friends
I'll make my stand
right here with my friends
I'll make my stand
right here with my friends
I'll make my stand
right here with my friends

Get low
Now I know who my friends are
I'm never coming home

Creative Writing

Keep fighting baby
I’m here to hold you
Keep your hopes up high
I’m here to tell you
Life goes on
And we make the best of what we have

We’re not always happy
But I’m here to wipe your tears
We’re not always sad
But I’m here to make you smile

I know it hurts
And I’m here to hurt with you
I know it seems so pointless now
And I’m here to find meaning with you

So let’s make the best of what we have
I’ll laugh with you
So let’s try and stay sane
I’ll cry with you
Keeping fighting baby
I’ll fight with you.


written for a friend, but I'd do anything for any of my friends

My soul feels hollow
It’s like there’s no longer any reason for me to live
I have hurt people I love more times than I can count
I shouldn’t be allowed to live…
I don’t deserve anything more
I can’t find anything desirable in the future
Not now that I feel like I’m losing
I’m losing him…
Did I ever really have him?
I never should have interfered with his life
He’s worse off because of me…
I’m so tempted to end it
More so than ever before

There’s nothing attractive about this world anymore…
I fail at everything I try…
I’ll never make anyone proud
I will always be a failure
No matter how hard I try I fail
I’m good at nothing and that will never change


written a while ago. I write a lot of depressing things actually. But I've been trying really hard to be more positive. So far I think I'm doing really good. I'm starting to discover who I am as a person and that makes me happy.


Wisps of clouds grazed the top and bottom of the shining moon
The cool of the night painted shivers down my spine
Buzzing filled my ears, tiny creatures of the night hunted
Beads of swear dripped over my brow
Victory was near
But nature didn’t care
She sat still in her beauty and serenity and watched over me
Yet she was neutral in her support
Her cool wind bit at my skin


Definitely unfinished :D But I like it. Just not sure what I was talking about...Hahaaaaa...D:

He was a friend of mine..

I've been thinking about Luke a lot lately. I am always reminded whenever I see a train or train tracks, though it doesn't hurt as much. There was a train on my way home today and tears came to my eyes, as they are now. I'm going to let myself. I miss him so much. It's almost like it still hasn't sunk in. It's so surreal to think that my good friend killed himself. It's not like I didn't know that sadness was there. He didn't have a great life. But I miss him and he had a big impact on my life. I don't regret getting mad at him about doing drugs. I was looking out for him, because I know no one else cared enough to do anything. I always think of him when pokemon or yugioh or sonic or any of those things from my past come into my mind. He was a really cool kid in my eyes. He raised so many of his pokemon to level 100. I think I still have the level 100 absol he traded to Kevin, who was playing my game. I miss that group of friends.. I always hung out with the guys and we roleplayed pokemon and sonic and megaman. I still had my innocence back then. I didn't know how hard and cold the world truly is. Luke found out the hard way. Moving to Ontario didn't help any..I wish he could have stayed back. Kevin and Wyatt would have always been there for him. He may have killed himself anyway but he would have been better off at least having those two. We grew up together and were like a family..I remember going on the Terry Fox Run and jumping on graves on the way back. His aunt yelled at us because they might break and we'd fall in. All I know is that I had fun with them. And I still can't believe Luke's gone. He knew all hidden messages in Harry Potter and the meanings of everything. He read most of Naruto. He was my hero in a way. A part of me left with him, but a part of me also became stronger. I was able to see how much it affected everyone. The whole community. Eyebrow Hall was full for his memorial. His guitar was there (apparently he had become really good at electric) and his newspaper delivery bag. There was a table for people to put things on that reminded them of him. I wrote a letter to him. Some of my friends put a block of cheese. That made me laugh. He would come to school and just eat a huge chunk of cheese. He had so many things that made him, him. Like his long greasy hair, and the way he'd flip it out of his eyes, or hide from the world behind it. His aunt was a wreck. I had started going to counseling and the mental health counselor at my school because I had been feeling suicidal. Talia told me to go after one day when I called her up really wanting to die. We went for a drive and she talked to me. I started seeing them after that. I wasn't doing good at all when I first went. I cut and cried every night. I thought I suffered from depression. I got a wake up call from Luke though. I found out on Facebook no less..during school..Kelsey was the first person I talked to and she stayed with me in the bathroom while I phoned my mom then I went to see Ms.S. I was crying in the halls, in front of everyone, but I didn't notice. But I realized..I can't do that to the people who love me. No matter what happens the world keeps moving, it doesn't give a shit what happens in your life, you have to give a shit about yourself. Lately I've been doing alot better. Last Monday when I saw Ms.S I rated myself as feeling 10/10, that had never happened before. I had been 1, and 5 usually. I feel like a stronger person. I didn't even cut, or have the urge to cut, when caleb dumped me. I'm doing alot better now. I have more confidence in myself as a person, and my self worth. I'm beginning to learn it's okay to be myself and make mistakes and act like an idiot. Everyone else does.

Thank you Luke. I will always love you and remember you. <3

Alone

I wrote this last January..the day before my birthday actually.. I'm just feeling down right now and remembered I have this. It's what the dark part of me thinks, even if it's not right or what you're supposed to show other people. Everyone's just supposed to be happy go lucky right? Hmmm..

----------------------------------------

I walk by them in the halls. I see them in the bathrooms. Laughing, chatting. Nothing’s wrong. Something is wrong. With me. I’m not like them. I don’t laugh with friends. I don’t see anyone after school. They think they have it tough sometimes. Maybe they don’t feel like they really belong in that group. Well, at least they have someone to not belong with. I just don’t belong. Period.

In the classroom I say nothing. No one cares. They may glance at me. See me sitting there. They don’t really care. They turn to the person beside them and start ranting about something I don’t care about. They forget the world around them. They see only their conversation. They forget I’m sitting there. Watching them. Wishing I was them. I wish I was them. But no. I’m just me. Stupid me. Sitting in this desk. In this classroom. Surrounded by people but alone. Always alone.

At lunch I have no one to sit with. My mom picks me up. I could get my license but I don’t want to. Afraid to? Yeah maybe. I go home and eat lunch. No one’s the wiser. No one notices whether I’m there or not there. When I do eat lunch at school, for choir or just with people, no one notices. Some people may say hi. They may talk a little. But they get bored. They talk to other people. Or they ignore me. I’m ignored a lot. Guess I’m boring. At choir I sit by myself. They’ve all got their little groups. I’m not in one of them. I try talking to one of the girls I know the best, from having classes together. Sometimes she talks. Most of the time she ignores me and talks to other people. Even when she does talk she’s always looking past me. Not really hearing what I say. Not really enjoying talking to me. When I sit at the tables for lunch, with people I kind of know, I always feel like an outsider. ‘You shouldn’t be here.’ I tell myself. ‘They don’t want you. Move. You’re taking up bench space. Get out of the way. You’re ruining their air. You’re ruining their conversation. You’re ruining their life by even breathing.’ That’s what I tell myself. Of course I believe myself. How can I not when I’m the only one at that point in time with an opinion on the matter. I’m just a bother to them.

After school. After school is no different. Minus the people around me. There are no people around me here, where I write this. Only the computer. Books. Clothes. Stuffed animals. An iPod. Makeup. And a glass of water. The water is a few days old. I should wash it but I just never got around to it. I use makeup to pretend I’m prettier than I am. I can change so easily. I can pretend I’m so much happier with just the flick of eyeliner. No one cares. I’m blend in when I’m normal and pretty. Average. That’s what I strive to be. No one can ridicule me that way. Just go with the flow. Just go with it. It never gets easier. These days. These days of nothing to do. No one to hug or laugh with. Or be myself with. I can’t show them that maybe I am better than I think. I can’t show myself.. Because no one gives me that chance. So I show the computer what I can do. I edit photos of myself and my boyfriend; the only one who has ever made me feel truly loved. I play video games and cheat at them. I give myself infinite health. I’m afraid of losing. I hate losing. Because if I can lose in a game, what does that say about me as a person. I have to win. It’s the only thing that makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something. At least I’m famous in my little game. The pixels love me.

I’m not going to say I’m a happy person. I’m not. I pretend. I even fool myself sometimes! As if I could ever really be happy. Not while I’m so alone. Not while I don’t have anyone physically there for me. Not while all I hear is ‘you’re a horrible, fucking worthless, piece of SHIT!’…

Here's a whole bunch of poems I wrote this year. :) I have a lot of older ones, but I tried to find my newer ones.

-----------------------------------------------

I have so much to say.
And yet
These pages are blank
My mind is racing when I have nowhere to put everything
But when I sit down to write
A wall goes up
It teases me
It mocks me
It takes away my memory of everything I was thinking about
As if those important thoughts were just fleeting
Just for the moment thoughts
Nothing to write about
But I do need to write them down
I need to express myself
I need to put the pieces of the puzzle together
My mind is working against me
It’s my enemy
It doesn’t want me to put the pieces together
It doesn’t want me to see things
It can’t hold me back from the truth
One day I’ll find the happiness I’ve been trying to piece together
Eventually I’ll pick these locks
But for now I’ll race to write down these fleeting thoughts.

-------------------------------------

These things never work
I try and I try
But try as I might
I’m stuck here
Sitting here

I don’t want much of your time
I only want a conversation or two
A smile
A laugh
I think it’s too much to ask for

I don’t mean to be rude
But I want an answer
Are you staying or going
Will you join me
Or leave

I’ll leave it up to you
But I won’t wait forever
I’ll make exceptions
But I can’t keep hoping forever
It’s your choice.

-------------------------------------------

I’m going crazy here
Waiting
No way of knowing
Please whisper a word
I don’t want to have to wait
And wait
Just to get no reply
So I have to ask
And it scares me
I ask and get a reply
But only to what I ask
It’s a vague reply
It leaves me wondering more
Chewing my hair
Fidgeting
I just want an answer
If you’re not coming say now!
You’re putting me on edge
You’re dangling hope in front of my eyes
You’re torturing me dear
I just want an answer
Yes
or
No

----------------------------------------------

It’s all these words
Cluttering up my mind
All these feelings
Filling up inside

Reach out to me
Tell me how it is
A heart can change so fast

---------------------------------------------

There are two paths for me.
The light and the dark.
The dark smiles a toothless grin.
The light is an open window.
Between are two figures, surrounded by light.
It is my choice.
My life.

--------------------------------------------

Only smells of sunshine
Clouds around my head
Feeling of the ocean
Keep me happy here

I wake up wondering what now
Where will I go
I haven’t got a hope in hell
Without my summertime

Days are cold and cloudy
Each thought that crosses my mind
Creates a murky barrier
To keep me down and out

They say ‘no worries
No crying now
No tears upon your bed’
Wake up and smell the flowers stupid

I’m already dead

------------------------------------------

Its eyes pierced a hole through my neck
It saw how weak I was
It knew what I needed
Before I had even started I was doomed
A breath and I exploded
It tore me up inside
Ripping and shredding
Claws like a lion’s
Rising out of me like a dragon
Only to prey on life around me
Flowers wilted
Bugs dropped
I caused this
It helped me

------------------------------------------

Everything you are
Follows me
Everywhere I go

It’s hard not to see
All the things I am
Because of you

The world keeps turning
Even though you have stopped
Long enough to catch my hand

I follow you
Everywhere you go
Hoping maybe I’ll learn
What makes you, you

I just want to thank you
For never giving up
When it got hard
I know it was hard

I don’t fit in
But I fit with you

I just want you to know
I’m here for you too
Always
And forever

-------------------------------------------

Rainclouds form overhead
Gather in them
Rainclouds get too heavy
Fall from the sky
Unsuspecting trees below
Drench them
Fall down the leaves of the tree
Splash onto the next leaf
Keep falling
Splash onto the ground
Feed the dry earth
Evaporate into the air
Rinse and repeat..

-------------------------------------------

Say hello to the summer
It’s here for the moment
Let’s soak in the sunlight
Who cares about melanoma
When you’ve got friends like this

We run through the sprinklers
We dash across the lawn
No cares in the world
How can anyone say this is wrong

My love is here
Far longer than the summer
I’ll sit with you
In your brand new, shiny Hummer

No one loves like we do
In the summertime
It’s so much better
When we don’t have to worry about the time

Let’s dance til the moon comes down
We’ll float up amoung the stars
We aren’t coming down til morning
So don’t take my breath away

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Baa

The other day I got a shitload of awesome hand me downs. :) Oh yes. So many clothes! And I shall have a new outfit everyday now! Which reminds me.. I have to wash my jeans. I should not type when I'm tired. I skip words. Oh well! I also got new makeup and U tampons. Which I'm excited to use hahaha! I have discovered that I love hanging out with people. I would love it if I did it more but I don't really know many people on a good enough basis that I can say 'hey let's do something' without feeling like a bother or clingy. And I need my friggin license. God damn. I wouldn't be in my mom's hair so much and I could just do whatever shit I wanted. I would also need a job though...speaking of! Got applications for Superstore and Walmart. :) I shall get on that. The lady said I should get the Walmart one in asap. So..sure. :P I'd rather work at Superstore though. It's bigger! I can get lost :) And I met my sheep there. He's lovely to cuddle. Not much shape but damn it's poofy. Maybe not poofy. But big. And..spoonable? Yes. Spoonable.


Poem:

She said let's dance
I said we'll drown
Lamp posts
And rain puddles
Never looked so inviting

We'll be here til time stops moving
I'll be watching you til your hips stop twirling
Bring the beer, I'll bring the tears
Don't make this night end

She said let's drown
I said I love you
Four letter words aren't in her vocabulary
The night was never meant to be
We're only meant to see what we want

Into the light
Over and over
Her voice
My ears
Never sounded so sincere

By me. Written at 3 am a few nights ago..maybe last week. :P


Recipe:

Sex In A Bowl Dessert Recipe
Ingredients:
-1pkg.(14oz.)chocolate cake mix
3 eggs
1 1/4 cup of vegetable oil
-2 pkgs. of instant jello chocolate pudding
4 cups of milk(2 cups for each pkg.)
-2 8oz containers of cool whip whipped topping
-5 heath bar crunch or Skors candy bars, chopped into small pieces
- a large deep glass bowl/trifle bowl, 2&1/2qt. glass bowl
1. Follow directions on cake box to bake the cake.
2. Follow directions on pudding boxes. Place in 2 separate bowls. Set aside.
3. If whip cream is frozen, let thaw & set aside.
4. When cake is done set aside & let cool.
5. Break up one half of cake & place in bottom of glass bowl.
6. Spoon one bowl of pudding over top of cake. Spread evenly.
7. Layer whip cream on top of pudding.
8. Sprinkle half of the chopped candy bars onto top of whip cream.
9. Repeat steps 5 through 8, layering the ingredients. Once completed, refrigerate until ready to serve.
To serve use a large spoon with a long handle. Scoop through all layers & serve in bowls.