Alone

I wrote this last January..the day before my birthday actually.. I'm just feeling down right now and remembered I have this. It's what the dark part of me thinks, even if it's not right or what you're supposed to show other people. Everyone's just supposed to be happy go lucky right? Hmmm..

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I walk by them in the halls. I see them in the bathrooms. Laughing, chatting. Nothing’s wrong. Something is wrong. With me. I’m not like them. I don’t laugh with friends. I don’t see anyone after school. They think they have it tough sometimes. Maybe they don’t feel like they really belong in that group. Well, at least they have someone to not belong with. I just don’t belong. Period.

In the classroom I say nothing. No one cares. They may glance at me. See me sitting there. They don’t really care. They turn to the person beside them and start ranting about something I don’t care about. They forget the world around them. They see only their conversation. They forget I’m sitting there. Watching them. Wishing I was them. I wish I was them. But no. I’m just me. Stupid me. Sitting in this desk. In this classroom. Surrounded by people but alone. Always alone.

At lunch I have no one to sit with. My mom picks me up. I could get my license but I don’t want to. Afraid to? Yeah maybe. I go home and eat lunch. No one’s the wiser. No one notices whether I’m there or not there. When I do eat lunch at school, for choir or just with people, no one notices. Some people may say hi. They may talk a little. But they get bored. They talk to other people. Or they ignore me. I’m ignored a lot. Guess I’m boring. At choir I sit by myself. They’ve all got their little groups. I’m not in one of them. I try talking to one of the girls I know the best, from having classes together. Sometimes she talks. Most of the time she ignores me and talks to other people. Even when she does talk she’s always looking past me. Not really hearing what I say. Not really enjoying talking to me. When I sit at the tables for lunch, with people I kind of know, I always feel like an outsider. ‘You shouldn’t be here.’ I tell myself. ‘They don’t want you. Move. You’re taking up bench space. Get out of the way. You’re ruining their air. You’re ruining their conversation. You’re ruining their life by even breathing.’ That’s what I tell myself. Of course I believe myself. How can I not when I’m the only one at that point in time with an opinion on the matter. I’m just a bother to them.

After school. After school is no different. Minus the people around me. There are no people around me here, where I write this. Only the computer. Books. Clothes. Stuffed animals. An iPod. Makeup. And a glass of water. The water is a few days old. I should wash it but I just never got around to it. I use makeup to pretend I’m prettier than I am. I can change so easily. I can pretend I’m so much happier with just the flick of eyeliner. No one cares. I’m blend in when I’m normal and pretty. Average. That’s what I strive to be. No one can ridicule me that way. Just go with the flow. Just go with it. It never gets easier. These days. These days of nothing to do. No one to hug or laugh with. Or be myself with. I can’t show them that maybe I am better than I think. I can’t show myself.. Because no one gives me that chance. So I show the computer what I can do. I edit photos of myself and my boyfriend; the only one who has ever made me feel truly loved. I play video games and cheat at them. I give myself infinite health. I’m afraid of losing. I hate losing. Because if I can lose in a game, what does that say about me as a person. I have to win. It’s the only thing that makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something. At least I’m famous in my little game. The pixels love me.

I’m not going to say I’m a happy person. I’m not. I pretend. I even fool myself sometimes! As if I could ever really be happy. Not while I’m so alone. Not while I don’t have anyone physically there for me. Not while all I hear is ‘you’re a horrible, fucking worthless, piece of SHIT!’…